!function(n){if(!window.cnx){window.cnx={},window.cnx.cmd=[];var t=n.createElement('iframe');t.display='none',t.onload=function(){var n=t.contentWindow.document,c=n.createElement('script');c.src='//cd.connatix.com/connatix.player.js',c.setAttribute('async','1'),c.setAttribute('type','text/javascript'),n.body.appendChild(c)},n.head.appendChild(t)}}(document);(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=8b034f64-513c-4987-b16f-42d6008f7feb';cnx.cmd.push(function(){cnx({"playerId":"8b034f64-513c-4987-b16f-42d6008f7feb","mediaId":"426003e6-31ab-4ecf-b3ce-28c645b13714"}).render("6a8c5b14e4b0c0b31a43a3bb");}); For five decades, psychologists Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute (GI) have studied couples and the issues that affect them. This experience led them to develop their “four horsemen” theory of divorce, which found evidence to suggest that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling usually precede separation. Their research also showed that couples’ problems tended to split into three groups: solvable problems and perpetual problems. Working out which one you and your partner are arguing about, the GI says, can help you identify the kinds of resolution you need. What are solvable problems? Solvable problems come about due to situational issues that don’t feel integral to a person’s character. That might mean one person is taking on the lion’s share of the housework, or you might disagree on a specific issue with your child. GI notes that solvable problems in one couple might be perpetual problems (more on those later) for another. But the difference is in how the pair feels about it: “The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position”. Happily, solvable problems can usually be, well, solved through conversation and careful planning. Maybe you can assign certain household domains to one another, for instance, or agree to compromise on where to spend Christmas. What are perpetual problems? These make up most (69%) of the arguments, the psychologists found. Perpetual problems are ongoing differences or misalignments that are fundamental to you or your partner’s needs or lifestyles. For instance, maybe your beau values the financial benefits that can come with working hard over a fulfilling work-life balance. So, you two might keep having what seems like the same argument about late nights and missed dinners. Because they reflect core parts of each member in the relationship, perpetual problems will recur. If you like to see your family twice a week and they need more “me” time, compromise might leave both parties feeling like they’re denying a big part of themselves pretty regularly. In this case, the goal should be to “establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humour, affection, and even amusement”. Identify the drive, identity, belief, or “dream” behind each of your behaviours: this can make discussing the problem easier. Ask your partner to do the same, and try to get curious about their feelings instead of trying to “solve” the issue: this can create a healthier dialogue. This will be an ongoing conversation, so try to get good at – and respectful in – having it. Related... Therapists Say This Is The ‘Biggest Myth’ About Birth Order – And You Probably Believe It I Asked A Therapist For The Signs A Couple's Headed For Divorce 6 Signs You Were Raised By Narcissistic Parents, According To A Therapist
For five decades, psychologists Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute (GI) have studied couples and the issues that affect them. This experience led them to develop their “four horsemen” theory of divorce, which found evidence to suggest that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling usually precede separation. Their research also showed that couples’ problems tended to split into three groups: solvable problems and perpetual problems. Working out which one you and your partner are arguing about, the GI says, can help you identify the kinds of resolution you need. What are solvable problems? Solvable problems come about due to situational issues that don’t feel integral to a person’s character. That might mean one person is taking on the lion’s share of the housework, or you might disagree on a specific issue with your child. GI notes that solvable problems in one couple might be perpetual problems (more on those later) for another. But the difference is in how the pair feels about it: “The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position”. Happily, solvable problems can usually be, well, solved through conversation and careful planning. Maybe you can assign certain household domains to one another, for instance, or agree to compromise on where to spend Christmas. What are perpetual problems? These make up most (69%) of the arguments, the psychologists found. Perpetual problems are ongoing differences or misalignments that are fundamental to you or your partner’s needs or lifestyles. For instance, maybe your beau values the financial benefits that can come with working hard over a fulfilling work-life balance. So, you two might keep having what seems like the same argument about late nights and missed dinners. Because they reflect core parts of each member in the relationship, perpetual problems will recur. If you like to see your family twice a week and they need more “me” time, compromise might leave both parties feeling like they’re denying a big part of themselves pretty regularly. In this case, the goal should be to “establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humour, affection, and even amusement”. Identify the drive, identity, belief, or “dream” behind each of your behaviours: this can make discussing the problem easier. Ask your partner to do the same, and try to get curious about their feelings instead of trying to “solve” the issue: this can create a healthier dialogue. This will be an ongoing conversation, so try to get good at – and respectful in – having it. Related... Therapists Say This Is The ‘Biggest Myth’ About Birth Order – And You Probably Believe It I Asked A Therapist For The Signs A Couple's Headed For Divorce 6 Signs You Were Raised By Narcissistic Parents, According To A Therapist
