!function(n){if(!window.cnx){window.cnx={},window.cnx.cmd=[];var t=n.createElement('iframe');t.display='none',t.onload=function(){var n=t.contentWindow.document,c=n.createElement('script');c.src='//cd.connatix.com/connatix.player.js',c.setAttribute('async','1'),c.setAttribute('type','text/javascript'),n.body.appendChild(c)},n.head.appendChild(t)}}(document);(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=8b034f64-513c-4987-b16f-42d6008f7feb';cnx.cmd.push(function(){cnx({"playerId":"8b034f64-513c-4987-b16f-42d6008f7feb","mediaId":"426003e6-31ab-4ecf-b3ce-28c645b13714"}).render("6a8c3b92e4b0eeae412b0cd6");}); Speaking to The Times recently, actor Richard E. Grant – who lost his wife of 35 years, voice coach Joan Washington, in 2021 – said the experience led him to cut certain friends out of his life for good. “There are people that have been edited out of my life, and I will never see them again,” he shared, speaking about friends who became distant after his wife’s death. “If I had done that to them, I wouldn’t be able to look them in the face.” I’ve heard a similar sentiment from many bereaved loved ones (I’ve been blindsided by it, too). Something tragic happens, and just when you need support the most, people you’d have thought were closest to you appear to fade away. Or maybe you feel you can never “connect” the same with your old pals after such a life-changing event (another common issue friends have shared). What’s happening here? HuffPost UK spoke to BACP-registered therapist Laurie Hole about why friendships so often fall apart after a death. Why do so many friendships break apart after a death? Hole said that while death is universal, the topic of grief remains incredibly taboo for many. “We are generally very under-equipped to understand grief or know how to support somebody through it,” she explained. “Until you experience a significant loss, it can be almost impossible to comprehend the enormity of it – and even the grieving person themselves may struggle to make sense of what they are experiencing.” That might mean those suffering a terrible loss feel the responsibility to explain their feelings or the nature of their pain when they might be least equipped to do so. Therefore, the griever might isolate themselves first: “Sometimes withdrawing from friendships becomes a way of protecting already very limited emotional reserves”. Other times, the therapist added, “Another person’s loss can bring up [friends’] own unacknowledged or unresolved grief, or confront them with feelings about death and mortality that they would rather avoid. They may have their own life challenges that mean they simply don’t have the capacity they ordinarily would.” She said this isn’t always intentional, though it still stings. “And sometimes people genuinely believe they are saying or doing something helpful, but it lands painfully. Good intentions don’t necessarily prevent hurt, particularly when we have so few conversations about what grief actually looks and feels like.” How can I be a better friend to a grieving person? Given how little grief and death are talked about, Hole shared some guidelines that can help you if your friend is going through it. These are: Ban the phrase “at least”. The therapist said we should avoid sentences like “’At least they lived a long life’, ‘at least they’re no longer suffering’, ‘at least you had the time you did’ – however well-intentioned, trying to find a positive in somebody’s loss can feel incredibly devastating to the person hearing it”. Forget about timelines. When someone loses a loved one, Hole said, don’t try to give them a schedule for getting over the pain or “accepting” their loss. “Instead of asking whether they have accepted or moved on from the death yet, you could ask, ‘How is grief showing up for you right now?’ Be curious about their experience rather than assuming what it should look like,” she advised. Read up. You might not be able to imagine your friend’s pain, but it can help to “read memoirs and accounts of grief rather than expecting your friend to teach you everything – while remembering that nobody else’s grief will be exactly like theirs”. Don’t forget big dates. Check in on “the dates that matter: the anniversary of the death, birthdays and other significant occasions. And if you knew the person who died, share your memories,” the expert advised. Say their loved one’s name. “People sometimes worry that mentioning somebody who has died will remind the grieving person of their loss, but they haven’t forgotten,” stated Hole. “Hearing their loved one’s name can instead be a reminder that this person mattered to other people too.” When should I give up on a friendship that’s suffering after a death? Sadly, Hole said, “Friendships don’t necessarily have to last a lifetime, and losing friendships following bereavement can itself become another loss that has to be processed. The death of someone you love is already a profound loss; discovering that some of your friendships cannot survive your grief can become another loss that has to be grieved”. There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to breaking a friend off, she continued. “Repair might involve acknowledging what happened, listening without becoming defensive, and taking responsibility for the impact – even when causing hurt was never the intention. “But if somebody who is grieving has explicitly communicated what they need or set boundaries and a friend continually ignores or dismisses those needs, it is reasonable to consider whether that friendship can support them at this point in their life. Sometimes that means temporarily stepping back; sometimes it means allowing the relationship to end.” Sometimes, the therapist shared, grief can expose existing problems that were easier to hide before a death. And bereavement can make someone who used to put up with a lot more bad behaviour less forbearing, too. “If maintaining a friendship is repeatedly causing more hurt, it may be worth asking whether that person can still have a place in your life in the same way they did before.” Related... I Met A New Man Just 11 Weeks After My Husband’s Death. Here’s What I Wish People Understood. Why Hayden Panettiere's Death Feels So Personal To So Many Millennials Former Grease Star Says She's Lived As A 'Recluse' Since Partner's Death A Decade Ago
Speaking to The Times recently, actor Richard E. Grant – who lost his wife of 35 years, voice coach Joan Washington, in 2021 – said the experience led him to cut certain friends out of his life for good. “There are people that have been edited out of my life, and I will never see them again,” he shared, speaking about friends who became distant after his wife’s death. “If I had done that to them, I wouldn’t be able to look them in the face.” I’ve heard a similar sentiment from many bereaved loved ones (I’ve been blindsided by it, too). Something tragic happens, and just when you need support the most, people you’d have thought were closest to you appear to fade away. Or maybe you feel you can never “connect” the same with your old pals after such a life-changing event (another common issue friends have shared). What’s happening here? HuffPost UK spoke to BACP-registered therapist Laurie Hole about why friendships so often fall apart after a death. Why do so many friendships break apart after a death? Hole said that while death is universal, the topic of grief remains incredibly taboo for many. “We are generally very under-equipped to understand grief or know how to support somebody through it,” she explained. “Until you experience a significant loss, it can be almost impossible to comprehend the enormity of it – and even the grieving person themselves may struggle to make sense of what they are experiencing.” That might mean those suffering a terrible loss feel the responsibility to explain their feelings or the nature of their pain when they might be least equipped to do so. Therefore, the griever might isolate themselves first: “Sometimes withdrawing from friendships becomes a way of protecting already very limited emotional reserves”. Other times, the therapist added, “Another person’s loss can bring up [friends’] own unacknowledged or unresolved grief, or confront them with feelings about death and mortality that they would rather avoid. They may have their own life challenges that mean they simply don’t have the capacity they ordinarily would.” She said this isn’t always intentional, though it still stings. “And sometimes people genuinely believe they are saying or doing something helpful, but it lands painfully. Good intentions don’t necessarily prevent hurt, particularly when we have so few conversations about what grief actually looks and feels like.” How can I be a better friend to a grieving person? Given how little grief and death are talked about, Hole shared some guidelines that can help you if your friend is going through it. These are: Ban the phrase “at least”. The therapist said we should avoid sentences like “’At least they lived a long life’, ‘at least they’re no longer suffering’, ‘at least you had the time you did’ – however well-intentioned, trying to find a positive in somebody’s loss can feel incredibly devastating to the person hearing it”. Forget about timelines. When someone loses a loved one, Hole said, don’t try to give them a schedule for getting over the pain or “accepting” their loss. “Instead of asking whether they have accepted or moved on from the death yet, you could ask, ‘How is grief showing up for you right now?’ Be curious about their experience rather than assuming what it should look like,” she advised. Read up. You might not be able to imagine your friend’s pain, but it can help to “read memoirs and accounts of grief rather than expecting your friend to teach you everything – while remembering that nobody else’s grief will be exactly like theirs”. Don’t forget big dates. Check in on “the dates that matter: the anniversary of the death, birthdays and other significant occasions. And if you knew the person who died, share your memories,” the expert advised. Say their loved one’s name. “People sometimes worry that mentioning somebody who has died will remind the grieving person of their loss, but they haven’t forgotten,” stated Hole. “Hearing their loved one’s name can instead be a reminder that this person mattered to other people too.” When should I give up on a friendship that’s suffering after a death? Sadly, Hole said, “Friendships don’t necessarily have to last a lifetime, and losing friendships following bereavement can itself become another loss that has to be processed. The death of someone you love is already a profound loss; discovering that some of your friendships cannot survive your grief can become another loss that has to be grieved”. There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to breaking a friend off, she continued. “Repair might involve acknowledging what happened, listening without becoming defensive, and taking responsibility for the impact – even when causing hurt was never the intention. “But if somebody who is grieving has explicitly communicated what they need or set boundaries and a friend continually ignores or dismisses those needs, it is reasonable to consider whether that friendship can support them at this point in their life. Sometimes that means temporarily stepping back; sometimes it means allowing the relationship to end.” Sometimes, the therapist shared, grief can expose existing problems that were easier to hide before a death. And bereavement can make someone who used to put up with a lot more bad behaviour less forbearing, too. “If maintaining a friendship is repeatedly causing more hurt, it may be worth asking whether that person can still have a place in your life in the same way they did before.” Related... I Met A New Man Just 11 Weeks After My Husband’s Death. Here’s What I Wish People Understood. Why Hayden Panettiere's Death Feels So Personal To So Many Millennials Former Grease Star Says She's Lived As A 'Recluse' Since Partner's Death A Decade Ago
